Bowden Fires Spence, Names Christ as O.C.
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Bowden Fires Spence, Names Christ as O.C.
Not all Tiger Fans Pleased; Feel Dabo Swinney Was Overlooked
By: Roger Andout
In a move sure to send shockwaves throughout the ACC and beyond, Clemson University Head Football Coach Tommy Bowden announced today that he has fired Offensive Coordinator Rob Spence and replaced him with personal savior and Lord Almighty, Jesus H. Christ. Although little is known about Christ’s coaching background, Bowden seems confident that He is the right man for the job.
“The idea came to me a few weeks ago when I saw C.J. (Spiller) kneel down in the end-zone after a touchdown to offer a prayer of thanks,” Bowden told reporters. “I had been toying with the idea of letting Spence go, but I just wasn’t sure who I’d be able to get mid-season that would be much of a step up.”
Bowden said he knew Spiller was on to something, so he offered prayers of his own, asking Christ to guide him in making a decision. What Bowden didn’t know was that Christ had been angling to get the job for himself all along.
“I’ve been wanting to get back into coaching for quite some time,” Christ told reporters at the press conference announcing his arrival. “I just couldn’t find a position that I thought was a good fit. To be honest, I’d always assumed I’d end up at Notre Dame. But the way they treated Ty (former Fighting Irish coach Tyrone Willingham), who is a good friend of mine, really turned me off.”
“So, when I got a text message from Tommy asking for advice, I thought to myself, ‘Hey, why not me?’” Christ then said it was just a matter of figuring out a way to get Coach Bowden’s attention. Which, he added, wasn’t that difficult, “after all, I am Jesus.”
“Cullen’s (Clemson QB Cullen Harper) interception on the first play of the NC State game? That was all me,” Christ boasted. “I feel kinda bad about Spence being out of a job and everything, but I’ll make it up to him somehow. Maybe I’ll send him a nice fruit basket, or a canned ham or something. We’ll see.”
Asked how he decided on Clemson, Christ said it was an easy choice. “I mean, seriously, look around. My Dad (Father Almighty, God) obviously wasn’t fooling around when he made this place. You’ve got the mountains, the lake, and you’re only a few hours from the beach. And have you seen the girls here? I mean, My Self!!!”
When reminded that Lake Hartwell was man-made by the US Army Corps of Engineers in the late 1950’s Christ simply responded, “who do you think gave ‘em the idea? And the Water for that matter?”
Born in Bethlehem around 0 AD, Christ readily admits that his coaching skills might be a little rusty, as he hasn’t coached a game in close to 2000 years. But he also says that college football is in his blood. “The most famous play in the history of the sport is named after my own mother, for goodness sake,” said Christ, referencing the 1984 “Hail Mary” pass from Boston College’s Doug Flutie to Gerard Phelan.
“Now, would I jump right in and try and be a coordinator in the SEC?” He rhetorically asked reporters. “Of course not. But, this is a very down ACC defensively, and Clemson really has some talent on the offensive side of the ball. I figured this would be a good way to get my feet wet.”
“True, lots of things have changed since I last coached, but I actually think my job will be a little easier this time around,” He continued. “I mean, Eighty-Five Scholarships!?! What a joke! My last team only had twelve players, so they all had to go both ways. Well, except Peter. He played quarterback and kicked PAT’s, but I let him rest when we were on defense.”
Bowden was asked by reporters if he felt there would be any problems having a member of his staff who is, technically, superior to him and the rest of the world. “Listen, Jesus and I have a lot in common. We are both following in the footsteps of very successful fathers. And we both like to spread the field and win with speed on offense. I think our coaching styles will mesh very well. It’ll almost be like we’re ‘co-head coaches.’”
Jesus added that the similarities didn’t end there. “Remember last year when Tommy toyed with the idea of going to Arkansas? A lot of people around here who thought they couldn’t wait to get rid of him were very relieved when he came back after about three days. Sound familiar? I once went through something very similar, myself. You can look it up.”
Christ then winked as he left the podium, “Thanks for coming, we’ll see you folks on Saturday at the Maryland game. I’ve got to get to practice and meet my new players. Although, I must admit, I’m pretty good with names, so it shouldn’t be that difficult.”
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